It’s a slow news day, so considering the overwhelmingly negative response to Otey the swamp possum, should the Travs decide to kill him off (probably a longshot, as you can already buy a $30 Otey New Era ballcap), here are a few suggestions we dreamed up last year:
The Territorial Terror, Territorial Gov. George Izard
Extradition-Fightin’ Tony Alamo
Pulled Porky, anthropomorphized sandwich
Sammy the Segway, the 21st century Traveler
The Arkansas Teabagger, with votin’-against-his-interests action!
Fattest person in the ballpark at the start of any game, squeezed into a mustard yellow leotard and then thrown onto the field to be chased by dogs
U.S. Sen. Tim Griffin Dirtbike Stunt Deathpalooza, featuring: The Wheel of Austerity!
Toothless P. Methface
Roger Clinton (please, man. He’ll take any job. Seriously.)
Heritagey: the totally non-racist Confederate flag. Bonus: Riding a white horse!
Protho Junction Lot Lizard
The Arkansas Wage Slave (brought to you by Walmart)
The Ghost of Maud Crawford
Connie Hamzy on the back of a Yamaha scooter
Arkansas Traveler Heirloom Tomato (Wait, they should really do this! There’s an heirloom tomato called the Arkansas Traveler! And tomatoes with googly eyes look awesome!)
Tommy the Tech Park — like former Travs mascot, no one can agree on what it is
Ozarko, a craggy creature made of karst (rival mascot: Poo Pig Gooey, the Buffalo River Bandit)
Cosmo the Cornbread Crooner (the Travs straight up steal the Cornbread Festival’s adorable mascot)
Nude Al Capone in healing spa
The Travs introduce Ivan the Ivory-billed Woodpecker, but no one can find him
TED DANSON!
