I don’t believe it for a minute. Not one bit. How can a story this perfect possibly be true? When did the Arkansas Razorbacks go all WWF on us? Who’s pulling the strings? Jeff Long and Bobby Petrino must be pretty clever, orchestrating the kind of victory that propels us into the off-season high as kites and ready to recruit. You must be high yourself, trying to feed me this sentimental garbage.

You’re telling me we brought home the Boot for the second year running? I don’t see how a team that lost three players to the NFL last year, that played without the 1,000 yard rusher who redeemed some of that loss, that has experienced complete upheaval in the coaching staff and athletic department, that has withstood accusations of complacency and even rebellion, that struggled against Western Illinois earlier this season, that lost to the Mississippi State Bulldogs only one week before, that was forced to start 16 freshman just to fill some positions, beat the LSU Tigers. This team overcame those odds?



You’re not trying to tell me that Casey Dick, after losing the starting spot to his baby brother, came in during the last half of the last game of his career and led us to an improbable comeback victory. No way he went 18 of 29 for 197 yards and two touchdowns. No way he had one of the best games of his career under that kind of pressure. No way he threw the winning touchdown pass on fourth down with 21 seconds left in the ballgame.


Since when does War Memorial stadium play host to a game like that?

And then you’re going to try to tell me he tossed that winning touchdown pass to London Freaking Crawford? I mean, that would definitely be poetic, considering Crawford’s many painful drops and also considering that heartbreaking offensive pass interference call that cost us the Ole Miss game. But surely you don’t think I’ll believe he actually caught the damn thing. I’ve got just one word for you:



Next you’re going to tell me that Alex Tejada’s leg made a positive impact on the game. That his third-quarter field goal put us in a position to win.

Get out of here.

Another 5’7” running back came through for the Hogs? Against LSU’s defensive line? A freshman, no less? Sure. Right. He ran for 127 yards, and most of them were right up the middle. At some point, Les Miles probably threw his hands in the air and plopped down on the visitor’s bench with a copy of Proust, right? Where do you come up with this crap?


I’m not buying what you’re selling.

On top of all that, every detail as unbelievable as the one before, you’re going to tell me that the real heroes of this game were the players on defense? As my good friend Wayne always says, “Yeah, and monkeys might fly out of my butt.” They essentially shut LSU out in the second half? They completely stuffed the running game?

All of this for a victory that was utterly insignificant, that did nothing for their bowl eligibility, that seemed to be played for nothing more than simple pride?

Take that feel-good nonsense back to Hollywood where it belongs.


The only good thing about the end of the football season is the beginning of the basketball season. I’ve only caught a couple games so far, though I’ve yet to set foot in the renovated Bud Walton Arena. I walked all the way down the Hill for the UC-Davis game only to get turned away because I was carrying a backpack. (Note to Jeff Long: Bud Walton is on the campus of a university. Universities service students. Students wear backpacks. Please account for that in your stadium polices. Maybe a check station? I’m no student, but I walk most places, and a backpack makes carrying around my lipstick and compact and personal hygiene products more convenient. The walk home that night was rage-filled and chilly.)

Anyway, the Hogs stand at 4-1, or 5-1, or 4-2, depending on the Wednesday game. Again, the team is young but filled with promise. (Three-pointers! A point guard! Dreadlocks!) Most importantly, though, John Pelphrey’s highly amusing facial tics and dance-like manic gesticulations are back for a new season. Go Hogs! Everybody do the Pel!