1. In May, the interim CEO of a hospital in Fort Smith was taken out of consideration to be the hospital’s permanent CEO following a Q&A session with staffers in which he gave a rather troubling answer to the question of why he moved to Fort Smith from the much larger Laredo, Texas. What was his answer?
A) “It didn’t work out between me and Lindsay Lohan.”
B) “Those pinkos in Texas wouldn’t let me concealed-carry my hand grenades.”
C) “Have you ever been to Laredo, Texas? It’s 97 percent Hispanic.”
D) “I got warrants.”
2. Many of those who attended a show by headliner CeeLo Green during Riverfest were disappointed by the performance. What was the problem?
A) Instead of singing his hit song “F**k You,” Green gave a long Powerpoint presentation on strategies for getting over a bad breakup.
B) Green only sang for about 40 minutes of what was supposed to be a 90-minute show, sending out another singer and a DJ to perform as part of “The CeeLo Experience.”
C) He unzipped his CeeLo suit mid-performance and revealed that he’s actually been Kenny Loggins all along.
D) Ignored repeated drunk-guy requests for “Freebird.”
3. Police responding to a burglary call near Pocahontas found a suspect doing something they didn’t expect inside the house. What did the officers say he was he doing?
A) Furiously scrubbing the baseboards, muttering “Unclean! Unclean!”
B) Finishing up cornrow braiding the hair of the family’s large sheepdog.
C) Making a spinach quiche while following along with a show on The Food Network.
D) He was buck naked, with a glass pipe and methamphetamine nearby.
4. A Fort Smith police officer was arrested at his home just over the border in Oklahoma in late May on charges of child endangerment. What do police accuse him of doing?
A) Got drunk, fired off shots inside his house and pointed a handgun at a 5-year-old boy’s head.
B) Repeatedly sang “Surrey With the Fringe on Top” while on a family road trip.
C) Forced his children to live in Oklahoma.
D) Bought a trampoline.
5. Which of the following is apparently a real quote by the wife of the officer in item No. 4, as provided to a local TV station?
A) “We live in Oklahoma, man. Drinking, shooting guns in the house and threatening small children pretty much runs the gamut of our entertainment options.”
B) “Forget it, Jake. It’s Chinatown.”
C) “The only thing that was done wrong was leaning your hands outside of the window to shoot off a gun. We should have actually stepped outside. That’s it’s.”
D) “That 5-year-old can be a real dick when he’s drunk.”
6. Several police departments all over the state, including the Benton Police Department, the Little Rock Police Department and the Hot Springs Police Department, recently took possession of something they say will assist them in policing. What did they all get?
A) Machine-gun-toting war elephants being given away by the government of Thailand.
B) A six-wheeled, 57,000-plus-pound truck with enough armor plating to drive away from a direct hit by a shoulder-fired missile.
C) In-car corndog fryers.
D) A genetically identical clone of Chuck Norris, created from one of his chest hairs.
7. Republican Asa Hutchinson, who is running for Arkansas Governor, recently made a boo-boo that quickly spread through the online blogosphere. What did he do?
A) Hutchinson — who supports voter-ID laws that require a driver’s license or other government-issued ID to cast a ballot — forgot his driver’s license when he went to vote, and had to send a staffer across town to retrieve it.
B) Let it slip out that he is actually an animatronic latex dummy controlled by a joystick and microphone in an office shared by the Koch brothers.
C) Shocked the crowd during an appearance at Lepanto’s Second Baptist Church by suggesting dinosaur fossils might actually be something other than a clever ruse by Satan.
D) Was overheard saying the Second Amendment to the Constitution would have been, like, NINTH if he’d wrote the damn thing, right after The Right to Party.
Answers: C, B, D, A, C, B, A.