Play at home, while fanning yourself with a magazine!
1. The Magnolia Reporter recently ran a story on a new use for the orange barrels seen in highway construction zones throughout Arkansas. What are they being used for?
A) Sunk to the bottom of lakes for fish habitat.
B) Blessed domes of silence for Tea Party members.
C) Extreme Beer Pong cups at Kappa Sigma Sigma house at SAU-Magnolia.
D) Bases for signs that say “Pothole Ahead.”
2. Republican 2nd Congressional District party chair Johnny Rhoda resigned on June 25 after giving a rather inflammatory answer to a reporter’s question about how he thought Hillary Clinton would do in Arkansas if she ran for president in 2016. What did he say?
A) “OK, I guess, being that she’s a Terminator sent here from 2052 to kill the future leader of the human resistance.”
B) “She’ll do pow’rful bad, ’cause ain’t no damn fee-male ever gonna tell ol’ Johnny Rhoda what to do, I’ll tell you what by cracky, heckfire, dagnabbit and such!”
C) “She’d probably get shot at the state line.”
D) “She’s gonna kick our Republican asses. Individually. After giving each of us a firm handshake, a grin and 10 seconds to think about the error of our ways.”
3. Swimming areas in six counties have been recently closed by officials due to a danger to the public. What’s the issue?
A) Gov. Mike Beebe recently bought a Speedo and a new jet ski, and insists he can kick up mad roostertails in the swimming area if he wants to.
B) “The gatdang gays are gayin’ it up on public beaches like they own the place, and good Christian folk can’t help but stare at ’em.” — Sen. Jason Rapert.
C) E. coli bacteria in the water.
D) Smackover septuagenarian Edith Rae Johnson’s stubborn refusal to retire her circa 1961 bikini.
4. A Bryant man was recently arrested after police say he followed and harassed a couple driving through town. What, according to police, was his problem with them?
A) They were a shade browner than “eggshell.”
B) “Coexist” bumper sticker, so clearly terrorists.
C) VW Beetle convertible they were driving “looked a little fruity.”
D) He became convinced that their silver sports car was a spaceship.
5. The website vice.com, better known for reporting on violent Mexican drug cartels and life inside North Korea, recently published a video report about a visit to Arkansas. Why were they here?
A) The Dobber Brothers of Snowball keep getting tanked, stuffing their washing machine with dynamite, and detonating it in the town square.
B) Our pro-slumlord rental laws, including provisions that allow a property owner to evict tenants with as little as 10 days notice for being one day overdue on their rent.
C) Guns, liquor and ignert people, man.
D) Needed to shoot some B-roll to match footage shot in an impoverished third-world country, figured Marianna would do.
6. Recently on Craigslist-Little Rock, there was a post seeking volunteers to join a rather specialized community on 100 wooded acres in North Arkansas. What, according to the post, would be special about the community?
A) Participants will replicate the customs, language, mating habits and social structure of the Ewoks, the small, teddy bear-like forest creatures from the movie “Star Wars: Return of the Jedi.”
B) Citizens living on the property will be able to shoot any of their neighbors any time, for any reason, with a weapon of any caliber, as long as they just “wing ’em.”
C) It’s a town for dogs, to be called “Woofton.” Each dog will live in “a small, well-built house … [with] meals served in a central dining hall shaped like a fireplug.”
D) It’s an exact, half-scale replica of Little Rock, down to the last shell casing and warrant for failure to appear.
ANSWERS: A, C, C, D, B, A