Inconsequential News Quiz: Make bubbles edition
Play at home!
1) Police responding to a Thanksgiving Day domestic violence call in Barling (Sebastian County) said a 6-year-old swore them to secrecy before leading them to something his dad would probably have preferred to stay hidden. What, according to police, was it?
A) Leather-clad gimp in a wooden crate.
B) Ultra-deluxe DVD box set of “The Gilmore Girls.”
C) Candlelit shrine featuring a life-sized portrait of a shirtless Gov. Mike Beebe.
D) A water bong, a closet grow-room outfitted with florescent lights, and three marijuana plants — which, the boy allegedly told cops, “helps my dad to make bubbles.”
2) According to the same report, what did a family member shout as the boy was revealing the alleged secret to officers?
A) “I know somebody who’s gettin’ NOTHING from Santa!”
B) “Only Darwin can judge me!”
C) “So full of artless jealousy is guilt. It spills itself in fearing to be split!”
D) “Shut up! Shut the f**k up!”
3) During a recent appearance on NBC’s “Meet the Press,” Sen.-elect Tom Cotton reacted defensively after host Chuck Todd accused him of fear-mongering about a certain issue. What was the issue?
A) Cotton’s belief that if you play Taylor Swift’s 2008 album “Fearless” backwards, you’ll hear Obama saying, “Actually, I AM from Kenya! Suck it, haters!”
B) That the ATF will soon begin going door to door to confiscate all potato guns and T-shirt cannons.
C) That Middle Eastern terrorists will attempt to infiltrate the U.S. by slipping over the Mexican border.
D) How glaringly undemocratic it is that two Republican senators from Arkansas (population: 2.9 million) will soon be able to effectively cancel out the votes of both U.S. senators from California (population: 38.3 million).
4) According to a recent story in the New Yorker magazine, what is the sole display of affection allowed between a child of Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar and his/her significant other prior to being engaged to marry?
A) Poking each other from across the room with cane poles of 10-plus feet.
B) Side hugs.
C) Sharing a toilet (not at the same time, of course).
D) Sniffing each others’ Bibles.
5) A millionaire who made his money in spill-proof pet bowls has announced plans to bring back something from Arkansas’s past that some might remember fondly. What is it?
A) Bionic clone of former University of Arkansas Athletic Director Frank Broyles.
B) All-You-Can-Fondle Lap Dance Nite at The Paper Moon.
C) The abandoned Dogpatch U.S.A. theme park near Harrison.
D) Sanity in government, via large doses of lithium in the State Capitol coffee pot.
6) The New York Times teamed up with Google just before Thanksgiving to decide which food was the most “distinct” dish in each state — that is: the dish that Arkansans searched for more often than the residents of any other state. According to Google, what was the most distinct dish for Arkansas?
A) “Grandma’s Spicy Methamphetamine.”
B) “Butter and Lard Surprise.”
C) “Four-Layer Delight.”
D) “Squirrel on Kaiser Roll.”
ANSWERS: D, D, C, B, C, C, D