1) Politico reports that U.S. Sen. Tom Cotton seems to be working behind the scenes to try to tank legislation backed by President Trump before it can reach the Senate. What is the legislation about?
A) An attempt to codify Asimov’s Three Laws of Robotics, which The Cottonbot 5000 doesn’t like because he injures humans on a daily basis with his votes.
B) It would legalize all the stuff from “The Handmaid’s Tale,” which Cotton opposes because it isn’t quite cruel and regressive enough.
C) A bipartisan prison reform bill.
D) It would bar from public office anyone whose neck is longer than his forearm.
2) The Little Rock Fire Department was called to a building at 319 W. Second St. in Little Rock last week. Why were Little Rock’s Bravest summoned?
A) Having seen recent polls on the overwhelming support Donald Trump still enjoys in Arkansas, literally every Democrat in the state was on the roof and threatening to jump.
B) Little Rock’s 19th cupcake shop planned to open there, and a good Samaritan firebombed the joint to nip that shit in the bud.
C) Pieces of the concrete facade came loose and crashed to the sidewalk below, narrowly missing a pedestrian.
D) Your basic basement portal to hell situation. Fixed it up with some chicken wire and Quikcrete and were back at the firehouse before the chili got cold.
3) A Dermott man was recently arrested after a short high-speed chase, after which police say they seized methamphetamine from the man’s vehicle. What was weird about the vehicle in which the man fled?
A) It was gubernatorial candidate Jan Morgan’s campaign bus.
B) It was a Wienermobile.
C) It had a No. 3 painted on the doors, an apparent homage to the late NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt.
D) It was a beige 2004 Pontiac Aztek with New Mexico plates.
4) Scientists with the University of Arkansas at Monticello recently confirmed that a rare tundra bean goose, 6,000 miles from its native habitat on the eastern tip of Russia, had visited the Arkansas Delta near Dumas — apparently the first time the species has been seen in the continental U.S. outside of extremely rare sightings in California and Oregon. How do researchers know the bird was in the area?
A) As soon as the goose landed, Donald Trump Jr. and Jared Kushner showed up to collude with it.
B) It changed the hometown on its Grindr profile from Vladivostok to Dumas.
C) It was promptly shot and killed by local hunters.
D) It WOULD NOT shut up about how hot it thinks Vladimir Putin is.
5) Arkansas Attorney General Leslie Rutledge has recently been sued by two different Arkansans over the same issue. What’s the problem?
A) Smelt it, but consistently refuses to acknowledge having dealt it.
B) She’s just … kinda creepy, you know?
C) Rutledge’s critics say a pattern has developed in which Rutledge rejects any proposed ballot initiative she doesn’t personally agree with on the grounds that the language is too vague.
D) Satan claims she’s trying to renege on the deal to trade her immortal soul for a way out of her dead-end job at DHS and power over millions.