1) A Springdale couple was recently arrested after police say they allegedly tried to hire a hitman — who turned out to be an undercover police officer — to murder Benton County Circuit Judge Brad Karren. According to police, what were the two offering as payment to put His Honor on ice?
A) An older model computer tablet.
B) A sound bar for a television set, to be turned over once they got it out of the pawn shop.
C) A photograph of Marilyn Monroe.
D) All of the above.
2) According to the “hitman” in the above case, which of the following was part of the conversation between the undercover cop and the couple who wanted the judge killed?
A) They asked him if he could also stop by and kill their 15-year-old cat, which they said had “become a real dick in his old age.”
B) An hour-long discussion on the oeuvre of Insane Clown Posse.
C) One of the accused started out with a list of 15 people she wanted killed, but after being told that it would be very expensive, she whittled it down to two.
D) They also asked him to go piss on the rug of a guy named Jeff “The Dude” Lebowski.
3) Recently, Michael Reed, who mowed down the Ten Commandments monument on the state Capitol lawn in July 2017 with his Dodge Dart, was found not guilty of first-degree criminal mischief. Why was Reed acquitted?
A) The shattered remains of the monument — gathered by investigators and placed in a large box — were stolen by Indiana Jones.
B) Reed’s attorney put the SYSTEM on trial, man!
C) He successfully argued that, like Sen. Jason Rapert (R-Conway), he is unable to tell the difference between his own internal monologue and the voice of “God.”
D) He was found not guilty “by reason of mental disease or defect.”
4) The Saline County Sheriff’s office recently arrested an Alexander man who witnesses reported lurking near the loading dock of a hardware store in the tiny community of Avilla. What, according to police, was odd about the suspect?
A) He was wearing only a pair of pants with the crotch ripped out and “a leather belt with chains and other adornments that were wrapped around his genitalia.”
B) He was covered head to toe in personal lubricant.
C) He had a backpack full of porn and told officers he’d come to the store “because I’m dumb.”
D) All of the above.
5) Speaking of Saline County weirdness, police recently arrested a Shannon Hills man on charges of residential burglary after a woman reported the man had entered her mother’s home and stolen a 49-inch TV, a 19-inch TV and a microwave. What, according to investigators, was odd about THAT suspect?
A) It was Donald Trump Jr.
B) This guy was ALSO covered in lube and wearing a chain around his junk.
C) He left behind a pile of books and told the woman he was taking her TVs “for her own good.”
D) Investigators say it was Shannon Hills Mayor Mike Kemp, who has been charged with felony residential burglary along with misdemeanor criminal trespassing and theft of property.