1) A new report by Politico makes plentiful mention of U.S. Sen. Tom Cotton of Arkansas. What’s the report about?
A) The Bronze Star Medal Cotton claims he received while in the Army is actually made of foil-wrapped chocolate.
B) He’s the prime suspect in a series of snatch-and-grab birthday cake robberies in the D.C. area.
C) A two-month analysis of Cotton’s public speeches and statements by IBM’s “Watson” artificial intelligence supercomputer recently revealed that Cotton is just as big of an asshole as you suspect he is.
D) The National Rifle Association used a secret shell company to pump $19 million into a 2014 effort to flip three U.S. Senate seats from Democrat to Republican, including the seat Cotton won that year from incumbent Mark Pryor.
2) The news site Buzzfeed recently reported that Arkansas retail giant Walmart has received a patent for a new technology that critics say could have an adverse effect on Walmart employees. What is it?
A) Transparent Plexiglas toilet stall walls in all bathrooms.
B) Walmeth, a product that makes Walmart employees work like mad and completely forget about their poverty-related hunger pains.
C) The Waltonizer, a brain ray that makes billionaires realize they’ve got at least 100,000 things to spend their money on OTHER than gutting the public education system.
D) An audio surveillance system that constantly records sounds, including conversations, in the checkout line, with the proposed system being used to evaluate an employee’s “performance metric.”
3) The Washington Post recently reported on a federal civil rights lawsuit by railroad employee Adam Finley over the behavior of Matthew Mercado, a Walnut Ridge cop who pulled Finley over in December 2016. Which of the following happened during and after the stop?
A) Mercado refused to believe Finley worked for the railroad, even though Finley presented him with his employee ID and was driving a truck full of railroad maintenance equipment.
B) As seen in Mercado’s own body camera video, after escalating the situation, Mercado forcefully threw Finley against his truck even though Finley wasn’t resisting arrest.
C) When Finley tried to file a complaint against Mercado, he was charged with two misdemeanor counts, and — despite the video evidence that Mercado aggressively escalated the encounter — local prosecutors took the case to trial, a move that Finley said directly contributed to his divorce. Finley was later acquitted on both counts.
D) All of the above.
4) A city in Arkansas recently ranked dead last in a Gallup survey designed to measure quality of life in cities across America, with residents there reporting rock-bottom levels of satisfaction with their financial security, physical health, community life and socialization. Which Arkansas town was named the unhappiest in the nation?
A) Merkin Fork.
B) Dookburg (Go Fighting Turds!).
D) Fort Smith.
5) Speaking of Fort Smith, its happiness score may soon be on the upswing, with a recent city board of directors vote to overturn a ban that’s been in place there since 1953. What banned activity had residents feeling anything but footloose and fancy-free until recently?
A) Reading and such.
B) Bothering Marshal Cogburn while he’s occupyin’ the jakes!
C) Colluding with Russians.