1) According to investigators, a 69-year-old Jefferson County woman recently shot and killed her husband over an issue that doesn’t generally result in homicide. What, according to police, was the issue?
A) He was a flat-earther, while she believes it’s more of a trapezoid.
B) He told her he was resigning his membership in the NRA.
C) He told her he’d voted for Trump.
D) He’d twice ordered porn movies through the couple’s satellite TV system.
2) Representatives of the Satanic Temple will hold a “Rally for the First Amendment” from 1 p.m.-3 p.m. Aug. 16 at the state Capitol to protest the installation of the Ten Commandments monument on the grounds, and they’re bringing a special guest. Who’s the guest?
A) Jesus Christ, who, a press release says, will be on hand to tell Sen. Jason Rapert (R-Conway) to “cut the bullshit.”
B) Satan himself, who will reportedly stand in solidarity with Jesus in telling Rapert to cut the bullshit.
C) Gozer the Gozarian from “Ghostbusters.”
D) A 7-and-a-half-foot-tall bronze statue of the goat-headed god Baphomet, which the Satanic Temple hopes to install on the Capitol grounds if its federal lawsuit challenging the Ten Commandments monument is successful.
3) A press release recently sent out by the National Park Service included a warning to visitors to the Buffalo National River. What was the warning?
A) Portions of the river are choked by a toxic blue-green algae that produces cyanotoxins, which can make people and pets ill.
B) It’s burrowing season for the rare Ozark Aquatic Peehole snake.
C) There’s a higher-than-average concentration of liquid pig shit from the hog farm.
D) The White River Monster is vacationing on the Buffalo for the next three weeks.
4) Three people were recently arrested near Van Buren in connection with the deaths of a Kansas couple whose bodies were found in a shallow grave in the Ozark National Forest. What, according to investigators, did the three people who were arrested do for a living?
A) They were clowns.
B) They were carnies.
C) They were Republican U.S. senators.
D) They were Ivanka, Eric and Donald Trump Jr.
5) Former Arkansas Razorback and current New Orleans Saints defensive lineman Mitchell Loewen recently helped save the life of a man in New Orleans. What had happened to the man that required Loewen’s assistance?
A) A Trump-supporting Republican, the man was struck mute after being asked to defend Trump’s actions without using the words “Hillary” or “Obama.”
B) While walking down Bourbon Street, he stepped in a puddle and instantly contracted multi-drug-resistant SuperherpesAIDShepatitissmallpox.
C) He drove his Mercedes-Benz SUV off the fourth floor of a parking deck, crashing to the street below.
D) Near-death by chocolate.