1) Harding University, the Church of Christ-affiliated school in Searcy that has made headlines over its backward stance on LGBT issues in the past, recently made a rules change that Harding’s underground community of LGBT students believes is targeted at them. What is the rules change?
A) Hot male students are now required to stop unwittingly enticing the totally 100 percent completely not gay members of the Harding administration every time they walk across campus during cargo shorts season.
B) Questions about why Jesus preferred the company of 12 unmarried dudes are henceforth banned from campus.
C) An alteration to the school’s sexual harassment policy, which stipulates the administration now considers “the unwelcome or inappropriate emphasizing of sexual identity” to be sexual harassment.
D) Trolling the biology profs by repeatedly asking them to explain what’s going on in Ezekiel 23:20 is now grounds for expulsion.
2) Jacob Scott Goodwin, a white nationalist from Ward, was recently found guilty of a crime and sentenced to serve eight years in prison. Why was he tossed in the Ironbar Hotel?
A) He unwelcomely emphasized his sexual identity in Searcy.
B) Lookin’ so damn dumb.
C) He participated in the group beating of a black counter-protester during last year’s “Unite the Right” rally in Charlottesville, Va.
D) “Public fondling of a Tiki torch.”
3) Rep. Jim Dotson (R-Bentonville) recently gave a local newspaper his opinion on why posters donated to Northwest Arkansas schools by the American Atheists society should not be hung in classrooms. What was weird about his reasoning?
A) Dotson wrote the law, passed last year, requiring “In God We Trust” be displayed in all public school classrooms and libraries in the state if framed copies of the slogan were donated by private citizens — a law that has been decried by critics as yet another way the Arkansas legislature is shoehorning religion into public spaces.
B) Dotson said hanging the atheist posters side-by-side with the “In God We Trust” placards required by the law he wrote would be a violation of the First Amendment establishment of the separation of Church and State. No, seriously.
C) “If it has anything on there referencing an atheist organization,” Dotson told a reporter with an apparently straight face, “then it would probably violate the First Amendment establishment of religion clause. So it would be unconstitutional to hang them up.”
D) All of the above.
4) Pandemonium erupted during the recent Salt Bowl game between Benton High and Bryant High at Little Rock’s War Memorial Stadium, with both teams and over 38,000 fans in attendance rushing for the exits. What caused the sudden stampede?
A) Jabbo’s Gizzard Hut in Haskell put a 50 percent off coupon on its Facebook page.
B) Everyone in attendance simultaneously realized that they’d left the hotplate under the meth lab on.
C) There was a fight in the stands during the third quarter, during which someone fired a Taser, which the crowd apparently mistook for gunfire.
D) A “wardrobe malfunction” during the halftime show briefly exposed the Bryant Hornet mascot’s stinger.
5) During a recent speech before the Northwest Arkansas Political Animals Club, Rep. Bob Ballinger (R-Berryville) said something that wasn’t intended as a joke, but which nonetheless elicited peals of laughter from the crowd. What did Ballinger say?
A) “You know that whole thing where my law partner happened to wind up on the Medical Marijuana Commission, which later happened to award one of five licenses to grow money to some folks who happen to have an earth-moving business in Berryville where my law office is, who happen to be people both my law partner and I have both done legal work for? That was, like, a big coincidence, man.”
B) “Trust me.”
C) Ballinger whined about how hard people are on state legislators before saying: “My friends in the legislature are servants. Not one of them, not one of them out there right now, is benefitting from being [there].”
D) “Who you gonna believe? President Trump, or the fake news coming from your own ears?”