1) Something weird happened recently in the tiny Baxter County town of Midway that is, as of this writing, still unexplained. What was the mysterious event?
A) A flying saucer landed, and after townsfolk showed the aliens who emerged a video of Donald Trump, the little green men replied: “That idiot from ‘The Apprentice’? That’s funny and all, but seriously, take us to your leader.”
B) A bigoted local baker refused to bake a wedding cake for the cross-species nuptials of the Fouke Monster and Sasquatch.
C) A geyser of flame erupted from a basketball-sized hole in the ground, with the hole reportedly shooting a column of fire 8-to-9 feet in the air for over 45 minutes.
D) An old-timey Freak Show came to town, exhibiting such rare oddities as The Evangelical Christian Who Minds Her Own Business, the Bi-Incurious Homophobe, and The Republican State Senator Who Refused A Bribe.
2) Local gadfly and blogger Russ Racop recently dug up an interesting fact about Little Rock School District Superintendent Mike Poore. What has Racop uncovered this time?
A) Poore is so cheap he chews old gum retrieved from under desks.
B) If you say Poore’s name three times into a mirror at midnight, unelected billionaires appear and take over your school district.
C) Perhaps not surprising, given that Poore is the state-appointed leader of Little Rock’s state-controlled school system, Poore is not registered to vote in Pulaski County.
D) He lost his hair in a tragic dodgeball accident.
3) Recently, police say, a man successfully robbed an Arvest Bank branch inside the Walmart Supercenter on South Shackleford Road in Little Rock with a very odd “weapon.” What, according to investigators, did the man brandish while robbing the bank?
A) His penis.
B) U.S. Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh’s penis.
C) A loaded baked potato.
D) A fire extinguisher.
4) After police were called to the bank robbery mentioned in the item above, investigators say the alleged thief took a novel approach to ditching the loot as squad cars screamed into the parking lot. What, according to investigators, did the man allegedly do with the money as the cops closed in?
A) Quickly used it to buy three stolen TVs, four stolen handbags and a large quantity of meth from other criminals lurking in the parking lot.
B) He told police he was a state legislator innocently taking his kickback for a walk.
C) He ran into the Walmart and purchased 1,100 cans of chicken noodle soup, confident that they will be worth more than gold bullion once Trump’s idiotic tariffs crash the global economy.
D) He tried to swallow the cash.
5) The New York Times recently published an article about Arkansas’s new Medicaid work requirement that forces certain recipients to work at least 80 hours a month and log those hours on a state website in order to keep their health care. Which of the following are real facts reported in the article?
A) Only 1,200 people — about 2 percent of the total number of Arkansas Medicaid recipients required to submit work hours to retain their health care coverage — reported they had completed the required 80 hours of work in August.
B) The state of Arkansas estimates that only 20 to 30 percent of Medicaid recipients actually opened an email sent to inform them of the new work requirements.
C) A professor of health policy at New York’s Baruch College who recently interviewed 18 Arkansas Medicaid beneficiaries found that 12 of them had never heard of the work requirement they will have to satisfy in order to keep their health care.
D) To the sure glee of heartless Republicans, all of the above.