1) Police say a security guard at a Little Rock grocery store recently used a novel defense when an alleged shoplifter punched him in the face and brandished a knife. What, according to police, did the guard do?
A) He bribed her to drop the knife with a handful of two-for-one coupons.
B) He whacked her with a loaf of waaaaay-out-of-date French bread, rendering the shoplifter unconscious.
C) He slapped her in the face with a large piece of meat, which she had allegedly abandoned while attempting to flee the store, causing her to drop the knife and run.
D) He encouraged the shoplifter to run for office as a Republican member of the state legislature, where she could continue her career of shameless criminality unabated.
2) A Halloween incident at The Lil’ Dude Tavern in Fort Smith caused a flurry of outrage in subsequent days after news about it went viral. What was the issue?
A) A riot ensued when trick-or-treaters learned the bar owner was handing out Now and Laters, the undisputed herpes of the candy world.
B) Local pervert Larry “Punkin Porker” Merkin was caught railing the bar’s Jack o’ Lantern in the ladies’ room.
C) The winner of the bar’s costume contest was dressed as a Ku Klux Klansman.
D) The bar owner let every kid who came in dressed as Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh drink beer for free.
3) Residents of Perryville were shocked when a blinding flash of light lit up the sky over the town on a recent night. What apparently caused the flash?
A) The meth superlab hidden underneath the mayor’s toolshed exploded.
B) Jesus briefly returned to nearby Bigelow, where He told Sen. Jason Rapert (R-Conway) to knock off the bullshit.
C) A large meteorite, which caused a fireball that was seen for miles and caught on local surveillance cameras.
D) The arrival of Superman, with the infant Kal El frantically attempting to rebuild his capsule and leave after learning he had overshot Smallville and would have to be raised in Perryville.
4) According to a new study, Arkansans are the most dangerous people in the nation when they are engaging in a surprisingly ordinary activity, with a greater chance of injury while doing this activity than residents of any other state. What’s the activity?
A) Chainsaw carving.
C) Driving in the rain.
5) Arkansas Times recently announced a major change coming in the next few months. What’s the change?
A) Senior Editor Max Brantley will resign from the staff to follow his dream of appearing as arch-heel The Lake Charles Crusher in a local backyard wrasslin’ league.
B) Bucking the media trend toward digitalization, the Times will henceforth be printed solely in cuneiform on clay tablets.
C) The Times will transition from a weekly to a monthly publication after the first of the year.
D) Worried that there won’t be much to observe in the federal pen if he goes down on corruption charges, former Arkansas Sen. Jeremy Hutchinson (R-Little Rock) was forced to admit that he’d been the Arkansas Times‘ Observer all along.