Inconsequential News Quiz: Burning hole revisited edition
Play at home while eating a delicious Morningside Bagel!
1) Maumelle’s Morningside Bagels reopened this week after being closed since last April. Why did it close in the first place?
A) The Trump administration slapped a 45 percent tariff on imported bagel holes.
B) Failure of an extensive effort to educate Arkansans on why bagels aren’t covered in delicious glaze.
C) Traffic on Maumelle Boulevard moves much too fast to read the signs on businesses.
D) Police said the former proprietor, in an attempt to make sure his estranged wife and co-owner couldn’t profit from running or selling the business after their divorce, allegedly destroyed much of the shop’s equipment and furnishings before rigging their former home with gasoline bombs hooked to timers and going on the lam. Arrested soon after, he now faces federal charges.
2) A recent study found that the number of uninsured children in Arkansas has risen for the first time since 1997, with 3,000 more kids uninsured this year than last year. According to the authors of the study, what was one factor in why the number of insured children fell?
A) Failed double dog dares.
B) Dropped coverage after repeated crack-stepping-related maternal back injuries.
C) The state legislature voted to increase the height of the “You Must Be This Tall To Have Health Insurance” sign.
D) The Trump administration slashed the Affordable Care Act’s sign-up period, outreach budget and enrollment grants, which the study’s authors said has decreased the likelihood that families would apply for health insurance coverage nationwide.
3) Investigators believe they have found the source of a mysterious, 8-foot-tall flame that reportedly blazed for over 40 minutes from a hole in the ground in the tiny Baxter County town of Midway on Sept. 17. What, according to investigators, was the cause of the fire?
A) Burrito Thursday in Hell’s cafeteria.
B) Meth-addicted subterranean mole people trying to whip up a new batch.
C) Lightning strike touched off a massive cache of ammo buried and forgotten back in 2009, when Obamey wuz cummin fer our gunz any day now!!!!
D) A prank, with soil samples taken from the hole testing positive for toluene and xylene, flammable solvents found in ordinary paint thinner.
4) A Missouri company recently sued over the loss of a $712,290 Cessna aircraft that crashed in April 2015 at the Municipal Airport in Piggott (Clay County). According to the lawsuit, what was the cause of the crash?
A) Delta Airlines’ new “Fly Strapped to the Wing And Save!” program.
B) The pilot was a flat-earther, and chose to ditch rather than fly off the edge of the planet.
C) Yokels shot down the plane as Indiana Jones attempted to escape with their sacred painting of Johnny Cash on black velvet.
D) A tiny, 3/8-inch long section of drill bit that was found broken off inside one of the airplane’s crucial engine components.
5) Somebody reset the “Days Since Sen. Jason Rapert Has Been A National Embarrassment” sign back to zero after a Nov. 30 Facebook post by Rapert drew fire from civil rights groups and former Arkansas U.S. House candidate Chintan Desai, who took to Twitter to call Rapert “a fucking disgrace” over the post. What was the Bully of Bigelow carrying on about?
A) Dudes in Speedos: The Sexiest Menace.
B) His lobbying efforts to get the Vatican to add “Thou Shalt Not Question Jason Rapert” to the Ten Commandments while booting that crap about bearing false witness.
C) His proposed “Life Begins At Ejaculation” law.
D) The record number of Muslims elected to office Nov. 6, with Rapert posting a link to a story listing successful Islamic candidates along with the bigoted foghorn: “Do you want them ruling everything in America?”