New edicts from the Office of The Observer for the week of May 14-20 are as follows:
EDICT #2014-119: Summer sweaters are not a thing, so stop trying to make them a thing. No, it doesn’t matter how loose the weave is. This is Arkansas, and you can’t wear a garment with the word “sweat” in the name after March and expect to survive without catching a case of the vapors and falling out. We’re looking at you, Spouse.
EDICT #2014-120: During an argument, if you or your opponent can make a rational case based on science, mathematics, astronomy, court precedent or recent historical example, both of you are obliged to stay and listen with open minds and hearts. Henceforth, however, if the argument devolves at any time into: “because I have this book written by God that just so happens to agree with all my fears and prejudices,” you have The Observer’s full and enthusiastic blessing to put your hat on and walk away — or sprint away, if The Book of Revelation is being quoted. While The Observer has several go-to sources when researching matters of great social or scientific importance, nary a one of them includes a talking snake in chapter one.
EDICT #2014-121: It’s “chest of drawers,” not “chesserdrawers,” “stackdrawers,” or “chesterdrawers.” “Underwears box” is acceptable, but only for those residents who can provide documentary proof that they are nativsStone County.
EDICT #2014-122: The Official Best Person in Arkansas for the week of May 14-20 is Carroll County Deputy Clerk Jane Osborn. On Saturday morning, Osborn, who works at the clerk’s office in Eureka Springs, selflessly stepped up to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples in that fair city after the totally-not-a-trainee Deputy Clerk who was on the job that day said she couldn’t issue licenses because her boss was out of town, and then closed the courthouse doors on at least 50 gay and lesbian couples when she couldn’t get an opinion from the Attorney General. Out of the darkness, no doubt to the sound of trumpets, strode trainee Jane Osborn, who reopened the courthouse and proceeded to lay the smack down on prejudice by issuing 15 marriage licenses, the first same-sex marriage licenses issued in the state of Arkansas. Thanks for being a part of history, Deputy Clerk Osborn, and congratulations.
EDICT #2014-123: In recognition of The Observer’s child’s Saturday night jaunt to his first all-ages music show at Vino’s, storied haunt of our own youth, we humbly accept the additional designation of Old Fart, thus rendering The Observer’s complete ceremonial title to read as follows: The Arkansas Times Observer, Sovereign Anonymite, Chief of Outer Pangburn, Head Bottle Washer, Patron Saint of Eavesdroppers and Old Fart. The printing office is instructed to make changes to the company letterhead.
EDICT #2014-124: If pressed for time, citizens may sum up the history of prejudice in this country by citing the following sentence: “I’m not much, but at least I’m not a [ethnic, religious or sexual slur].” We’ve found that self-hatred, as seen in the first half of that sentence, is often at the heart of hate for others. The Observer is not much, but at least we’re not a bigot.
EDICT #2014-125: The Observer recently found a team jersey at the Savers store in North Little Rock that apparently belonged to a member of the “Arkadelphia Ballaholics” softball team. The Ballaholics are instructed to change their name to something less triggering to the mind of a dirty old fart like us. Unless, of course, the name was purposely chosen to scandalize the lace hanky clutchers. In that case, by all means, keep it.
EDICT #2014-126: Poetry matters. Stop saying it doesn’t.
EDICT #2014-127: In an effort to encourage a more sex-positive culture, all motorists are henceforth instructed to roll down their window and give a friendly wave to anyone they see emerging from the adult bookstore on 65th Street in Little Rock. It’s the neighborly thing to do.
EDICT #2014-128: The following real perfumes from The Dollar Tree are henceforth banned for wear within the borders of the state of Arkansas: “Hulk” and “Nice Lady.” We have petitioned that these fragrances be classified as Schedule 4 nerve agents with the United Nations Committee on Chemical Weapons, and are currently awaiting a response.
EDICT #2014-129: The Observer is proud to announce the launch of the Arkansas Times Tattoo Proofreading Hotline. Thinking about getting a tattoo? Call our office and ask for The Observer or any of our fine agents in Editorial. No judgment, just accurate spelling and grammar for only $6 per minute. If we can save just one person from spending the rest of her life with “Loveble,” “Strenght,” or “Belive in Yourself” tattooed over her butt crack, it will have all been worth it.